A Troubled Me

Stop…just stop.
Close your eyes and then close your mind.
Now slowly start thinking, thinking about life.
Life…Life…Life…LIFE!
What the fuck is life? What is it??
What am I doing here…what is my life doing here?
What are all our lives doing here??

I’m struggling and it’s troubling me.
Slowly I feel myself being pulled towards greater inner trouble.
It’s hurting and frustrating me, like a beast fighting towards my soul.
It’s starting to feel as much a part of me as night is to day.
It’s beat slowly matching that of my hearts… a pulse of its own.
The dark side to my life…as much a mystery to me as it is to you.

Voices in my head are telling me to do something.
My heart and my soul are telling me to do something.
I’m being told to do something beautiful. Something beautiful for God.
To show love, to bring joy, to bring a smile to the faces of those most in need.

Sometimes the only answer I can see to darkness is to give whatever light I may have…to stop thinking of myself so much. The greatest times in my life have been at times of self-giving, times of forgetting myself.
I have confused my mind by saying I must do something beautiful for God. It sounds like such a weight, such a burden.
To love, to care, to be kind, to listen…to smile.
It’s all something beautiful for God.